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Science - Reuters

'Everything about Greeks Bad,' Experts Say

Thu Jun 26, 6:50 PM ET
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NEW YORK(Reuters) - After over twelve years of intensive study of the entire Greek subset of the United States population, the Berkely Social Behavior Studies Research Team, led by Andy Cho, concluded decisively that Greeks do, in fact, suck hard.

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The study, which measured subjects against the Universal Suck Quotient (USQ) consisted of a series of skill tests and a written exam. Such questions as "Geek rhymes with Greek(!?)" proved to be far too difficult for over 98% of the test takers. In addition, 93% of the tested subjects were found to have inadequete social skills, often resorting to "Greek dancing."

"These results are preliminary, of course," says Cho, "But I think that finally we now have some fairly conclusive evidence to something all of us have known for a long time. It's kind of like proving the laws of physics or mathematics, which the Chinese did way before the Greeks."

Revisionist history now suggests that many of the accomplishments associated to the Greek peoples were in fact first accomplished by the industrious Chinese race.

"Lets look at the facts here," says Asian History Professor Johnathan Lau, "The Chinese built a Great Wall, invented math, the gyro, the wheel, fire, gravity, and evidence now suggests they invented the entire Milky Way around 6,000,000 B.C. What did the Greeks do? They sat around all day and tried to invent more outlandish names such as Trichopoulou. I mean, C'MON! You can't even pronounce that! That has more "ou" sounds than your mother last night!"

"The reason we have come to believe the Greeks have done all those things is because that traitorous dog Marco Polo sold all our ideas to the Greeks in exchange for a Greek name. I think it was "Tricholoupougoujouhoufoudouroueoutouwousouxouboucouvousopolis."

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